I've been thinking lately about what I deserve, especially when it comes to dating. People who know me will say things like, "You deserve so much more than [blank]." The blank is filled in with a variety of problems that are common in our society (many of the single men I know are divorced, have kids, or used to live with a girlfriend). They say this to me because I've led a pretty clean life, by the world's standards: I'm not divorced, I don't smoke, I've not done anything that I'm ashamed of with past boyfriends, and so on.
But why should I deserve anything? Why have I let myself be deceived into thinking I have to be worthy of someone, or vice versa?
Perhaps the fundamental tenet of my beliefs is that God is holy, and humans are sinful. That means no matter the sin, we're separated from God. Sin cannot be in his presence. However, through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, God has made a way for us to be pure; to be in his presence. He promises that if we confess and repent, he will cleanse us from all our sin.
I've been pondering this. I believe it regarding people's individual relationships with God. The murderer receives just as much grace as the liar. But how does that change my relationship with them? If someone has become a child of God, their sins wiped away, how should I view him or her? Should I allow the murderer in my home and take the liar at his word?
The short answer is: yes. If that person is pure before God, who am I to judge?
But the Bible gives some guidance. If someone claims to be a child of God, there is evidence for which to look. This person's life should show love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control. Confession and repentance before God are essential, and if a person is serious, God will start developing this evidence in his or her life. That person and I are the same in God's eyes, siblings in the Lord's family with a parent who shows no favoritism.
So back to the original question: What do I deserve?
It's the wrong question. I deserve nothing, just as the greatest criminal deserves nothing. I am a child of God. He loves me, he has all the resources in the universe at his disposal, and he only wants what is best for me. What has an infant done to deserve a parent's love? God loves me even more than a mother loves her new child. If God chooses to bless me with someone the world might term "undeserving", should I doubt him? Who knows best - God or our culture? I guess this could all be an excercise in trust. Yes, I believe that however God works in my life, it is best.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Thanksgiving - The Wrap-Up (2)
Some friends and I were recounting road trip stories, and I remembered that I have one more story to share.
The place we stayed a couple nights was a restort in Angel's Rest - about an hour and a half drive from my Grandma's house. My sister had a really great deal where 11 of us could sleep in one condo, which made up for the long drive.
The first couple nights we all had different sleeping arrangments: Rene, her husband Bryan, his mother, my nephew Sebastien, and my other sister Jackie, all stayed at Angel's Rest. My mom, me, Olivia and Sean stayed at Grandma's. Dad hadn't yet arrived.
On Wednesday, all of us went to Angel's Rest for two nights. We had two vehicles: a Jeep Grand Cherokee and a mini-van. Dad was driving the mini-van and was following the Jeep because he didn't know how to get to the condo. In the van was my mom in the passenger seat, Jackie and Sean in the middle seat, and me in the back. It was pretty late, so we gave Sean a bottle and expected him to fall asleep.
Sean finished the bottle, but was still awake. He began crying, so I put water in his bottle, hoping to pacify him long enough for sleep to kick in. It didn't work.
Sean cried.
And cried.
And screamed.
By this time, we were in the middle of nowhere; it was all rolling fields and pastureland. Traffic was heavy (being a holiday weekend and all). Dad finally pulls over and says, "You have to do something about that kid. I can't drive with him screaming."
"Well, since we're stopped, I have to go pee," Jackie says, and proceeds to get out of the minivan with the intention of using the van to cover her bathroom break. She caught me by surprise; that girl has very little reservations about certain things!
As soon as she slid the door closed, Dad yells over Sean's screams, "Tell me when she's down!"
"She's down!" I yelled back.
That was Dad's cue, and he let the van roll forward, leaving Jackie exposed in more ways than one.
The three of us inside laughed.
And laughed.
And then I needed a bathroom.
A few second's later, Jackie banged on the window (which scared Sean into screaming more). Then she went and took cover behind the highway barrier.
By this time, mom is holding Sean and trying to calm him down. We got back on the road, and after about 40 minutes of mom cooing and cuddling, Sean fell asleep. Of course, we got lost once we arrived in Angel's Rest, but it was completely worth it.
Jackie was a good sport. She laughed right along with us. Of course she could do so comfortably; she didn't need a toilet!
The place we stayed a couple nights was a restort in Angel's Rest - about an hour and a half drive from my Grandma's house. My sister had a really great deal where 11 of us could sleep in one condo, which made up for the long drive.
The first couple nights we all had different sleeping arrangments: Rene, her husband Bryan, his mother, my nephew Sebastien, and my other sister Jackie, all stayed at Angel's Rest. My mom, me, Olivia and Sean stayed at Grandma's. Dad hadn't yet arrived.
On Wednesday, all of us went to Angel's Rest for two nights. We had two vehicles: a Jeep Grand Cherokee and a mini-van. Dad was driving the mini-van and was following the Jeep because he didn't know how to get to the condo. In the van was my mom in the passenger seat, Jackie and Sean in the middle seat, and me in the back. It was pretty late, so we gave Sean a bottle and expected him to fall asleep.
Sean finished the bottle, but was still awake. He began crying, so I put water in his bottle, hoping to pacify him long enough for sleep to kick in. It didn't work.
Sean cried.
And cried.
And screamed.
By this time, we were in the middle of nowhere; it was all rolling fields and pastureland. Traffic was heavy (being a holiday weekend and all). Dad finally pulls over and says, "You have to do something about that kid. I can't drive with him screaming."
"Well, since we're stopped, I have to go pee," Jackie says, and proceeds to get out of the minivan with the intention of using the van to cover her bathroom break. She caught me by surprise; that girl has very little reservations about certain things!
As soon as she slid the door closed, Dad yells over Sean's screams, "Tell me when she's down!"
"She's down!" I yelled back.
That was Dad's cue, and he let the van roll forward, leaving Jackie exposed in more ways than one.
The three of us inside laughed.
And laughed.
And then I needed a bathroom.
A few second's later, Jackie banged on the window (which scared Sean into screaming more). Then she went and took cover behind the highway barrier.
By this time, mom is holding Sean and trying to calm him down. We got back on the road, and after about 40 minutes of mom cooing and cuddling, Sean fell asleep. Of course, we got lost once we arrived in Angel's Rest, but it was completely worth it.
Jackie was a good sport. She laughed right along with us. Of course she could do so comfortably; she didn't need a toilet!
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Thanksgiving - The Wrap-Up
This will be my last post recounting my fun Thanksgiving vacation. I know, it's February, but I can't help wanting to share these stories with my vast readership.
My parents and I all had separate flight arrangements for flying in and out of Oakland. On the way there, my mom's flight time coincided with mine, and we each took one kid (my nephew Sean and neice Olivia). I got a lot of looks because Olivia is so cute, and she had a teddy backpack/stuffed animal with a leash, so I wouldn't lose her. She insisted on putting the teddy on her tummy instead of her back because she wanted to hold him. People were very nice to us.
On the way home, my dad and I were on the same flight and took the same two kids.
It was quite the production; a luggage cart, two car seats, a stroller, diaper bag and luggage. Once we checked in it was a bit easier, but we kept the luggage cart for all our carry-on stuff. It's impossible to push one kid in stroller, keep an eye on the 2-year old and carry all the stuff that two kids require.
We were in line for the security check. After the hassle of taking off the kids' shoes and dumping out the sippy cup (hazardous material, you know), I had a bottle of nail polish thrown away. Normally I would have protested, and probably kept the nail polish, but I was so tired of taking care of all the little things (plus I was pretty sick) and Olivia was ready to run down the hallway, that I let it go. I don't know how single mothers do it.
The entire time I was alone with my dad, we got some strange looks from people. My dad commented, "I don't know who they think worse of, you or me." I replied, "Both of us. You're the dirty old man and I'm the greedy twenty-something". We corrected many people who referred to my dad as the kids' father. It wasn't worth the effort to tell them they aren't my kids, either.
We flew Southwest. My dad, the savvy traveller, gave me some tips for getting a seat to myself on the plane. We loaded first, and I took an aisle seat toward the front of the cabin with two seats next to me. It was amazing how people saw the kid with me and walked by. One guy was about to sit down with his wife, saw Olivia, and said, "Never mind". It was somewhat comical. Some poor high school basketball player ended up in the window seat, and a nice older woman sat next to me.
Fortunately, the kids were incredibly well behaved. Sean slept most of the time, and Olivia charmed everyone she met.
Now I understand that the appearance of a 26 year difference between parents of young kids looks bad. But why do people assume the worst? Why is being a single mother so much better than being married to an older man? Our society is strange.
My parents and I all had separate flight arrangements for flying in and out of Oakland. On the way there, my mom's flight time coincided with mine, and we each took one kid (my nephew Sean and neice Olivia). I got a lot of looks because Olivia is so cute, and she had a teddy backpack/stuffed animal with a leash, so I wouldn't lose her. She insisted on putting the teddy on her tummy instead of her back because she wanted to hold him. People were very nice to us.
On the way home, my dad and I were on the same flight and took the same two kids.
It was quite the production; a luggage cart, two car seats, a stroller, diaper bag and luggage. Once we checked in it was a bit easier, but we kept the luggage cart for all our carry-on stuff. It's impossible to push one kid in stroller, keep an eye on the 2-year old and carry all the stuff that two kids require.
We were in line for the security check. After the hassle of taking off the kids' shoes and dumping out the sippy cup (hazardous material, you know), I had a bottle of nail polish thrown away. Normally I would have protested, and probably kept the nail polish, but I was so tired of taking care of all the little things (plus I was pretty sick) and Olivia was ready to run down the hallway, that I let it go. I don't know how single mothers do it.
The entire time I was alone with my dad, we got some strange looks from people. My dad commented, "I don't know who they think worse of, you or me." I replied, "Both of us. You're the dirty old man and I'm the greedy twenty-something". We corrected many people who referred to my dad as the kids' father. It wasn't worth the effort to tell them they aren't my kids, either.
We flew Southwest. My dad, the savvy traveller, gave me some tips for getting a seat to myself on the plane. We loaded first, and I took an aisle seat toward the front of the cabin with two seats next to me. It was amazing how people saw the kid with me and walked by. One guy was about to sit down with his wife, saw Olivia, and said, "Never mind". It was somewhat comical. Some poor high school basketball player ended up in the window seat, and a nice older woman sat next to me.
Fortunately, the kids were incredibly well behaved. Sean slept most of the time, and Olivia charmed everyone she met.
Now I understand that the appearance of a 26 year difference between parents of young kids looks bad. But why do people assume the worst? Why is being a single mother so much better than being married to an older man? Our society is strange.
My New Routine
Yesterday at lunch a coworker, Sonja, was telling me about her new morning routine of going to the gym from 5:30 to 6:30. Her gym is near my house, so I stopped by on my way home from work.
Forty-five minutes later, I was the latest member of Bally's. This morning I was up at 5:15, brushed my teeth, and met Sonja at 5:30. It was fun, and by the grace of God, I was alert. I suspect I'll be less alert around 1:30 this afternoon. Tomorrow we'll do 1/2 an hour of weights before the cardio.
I'm pretty excited. I've been wanting to get up early to workout for a long time, but I haven't had anyone to do it with. I could get out of bed and walk around the neighborhood, but of course I don't. Knowing that Sonja expects me to be there is the last kick I needed to get out of bed this morning.
And God was pretty good to me by waking me up at 4:10. I was alert, but tired enough to not want to get up. I realized I had another hour and went back to sleep.
I have 30 days to get out of the gym contract without penalty. We'll see how it goes.
Forty-five minutes later, I was the latest member of Bally's. This morning I was up at 5:15, brushed my teeth, and met Sonja at 5:30. It was fun, and by the grace of God, I was alert. I suspect I'll be less alert around 1:30 this afternoon. Tomorrow we'll do 1/2 an hour of weights before the cardio.
I'm pretty excited. I've been wanting to get up early to workout for a long time, but I haven't had anyone to do it with. I could get out of bed and walk around the neighborhood, but of course I don't. Knowing that Sonja expects me to be there is the last kick I needed to get out of bed this morning.
And God was pretty good to me by waking me up at 4:10. I was alert, but tired enough to not want to get up. I realized I had another hour and went back to sleep.
I have 30 days to get out of the gym contract without penalty. We'll see how it goes.
The American University In Cairo
Last week I submitted my application to AUC. The deadline was February 1, and I've known since September that I want to apply. Why do I put things like this off? I hate how I procrastinate, and yet I'm not motivated to do anything about it.
Anyway, the check I sent for the application fee cleared the bank, so they obviously received the application.
It's in God's hands now. The program I'm applying for is the Masters in Teaching English as a Foreign Language (TEFL). This is different from some other programs (e.g., TESL, TESOL) mainly in that I will be learning to teach English in places where English is not the national language. With a degree like this, I can teach in almost any university or educational institution in the world.
I don't like big decisions like this. How do I know which path is the best? I could stay here in a job I like and enjoy my family and friends. I could go to AUC. I could go to the UAE and work with college students there (another potential opportunity). I applied for a teaching fellowship AUC awards. It pays for everything, including a monthly stipend. If I get that, I'll consider it a big neon arrow from God saying, "Go this way". If not, what do I do? Finance my own education? Take option 1?
My sister once said to me, "Don't worry about it. You know God's voice and he won't lead you wrong." That was comforting to me then and it still is. I guess with every decision I make, I'll trust that God is in control and knows better than I do what is best.
I just hate it when all the options are good.
Anyway, the check I sent for the application fee cleared the bank, so they obviously received the application.
It's in God's hands now. The program I'm applying for is the Masters in Teaching English as a Foreign Language (TEFL). This is different from some other programs (e.g., TESL, TESOL) mainly in that I will be learning to teach English in places where English is not the national language. With a degree like this, I can teach in almost any university or educational institution in the world.
I don't like big decisions like this. How do I know which path is the best? I could stay here in a job I like and enjoy my family and friends. I could go to AUC. I could go to the UAE and work with college students there (another potential opportunity). I applied for a teaching fellowship AUC awards. It pays for everything, including a monthly stipend. If I get that, I'll consider it a big neon arrow from God saying, "Go this way". If not, what do I do? Finance my own education? Take option 1?
My sister once said to me, "Don't worry about it. You know God's voice and he won't lead you wrong." That was comforting to me then and it still is. I guess with every decision I make, I'll trust that God is in control and knows better than I do what is best.
I just hate it when all the options are good.
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