Conflict and Resolution

(Originally posted 8/6/06 on a different site)

I just finished a book called The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict. I started it because some people I respect recommended it, and I have to admit, it has drastically changed the way I view conflict.

The first point the book make is that conflict is not bad. Rather, it offers opportunity for growth, change, and greater intimacy and understanding in relationships. I hadn't really thought of conflict that way, but it totally makes sense.

I suspect I'll be reading and referring to this book in the future (after I get it back from my sister), but the main things I took away the first time around are as follow:

One - the Golden Result, which is related to the Golden Rule. The way we treat others is the way they will treat us. So, if I approach someone with preconcieved ideas of who they are and why they act the way they do, they will approach me the same way. It is so much better to love people and act lovingly towards them. Conflict is easier resolved when the parties don't feel judged or defensive.

Two - conflict begins in the heart. There is an entire chapter on this one. It talks about how conflict begins with a desire. This desire can be something overtly wrong (I want to hurt someone), but it can also be wanting a good thing (peaceful home). The conflict starts when the desire turns into a demand. When I start thinking or saying, "I can't be happy without ______", the desire has turned into an idol and all my energies are spent meeting that demand. The next step is judgement. When others can't meet our demands, we'll criticize and condemn them with our thoughts, if not words. The final step is punishment, whether it is withholding affection, lashing out in anger, or even leaving a relationship.

This sounds like a self-help book by my summary, but it's really not. It points out how living for others and pursuing peace is really counter-cultural, no matter which nationality a person is. Because of sin, humans are selfish. As I try to be more like Jesus, I realize how incredibly selfish I am. My desires that turn to demands are the hardest to spot - I want good things too much. I'm learning to let God give me the gifts that he wants to bless me with and stop trying to get them like a child searching for Christmas presents in August.

I recently had a conversation with someone who had hurt me. I was ready to tell this person how I had been hurt and how a situation made me feel and why that person was wrong to do what he/she did. Praise the Lord, I was influenced through this book and was able to discuss the conflict but keep our friendship. I'm so glad.